28/11: Joke | Mommy and daddy

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up."

26/11: Joke | Women

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

24/11: Joke | Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

24/11: Joke | KKK Preacher.

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One
morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I
have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued,
"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of
the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am
asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here
- before my flock of loyal followers."

A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under
the sheets."

07/11: Jokes | Dirrrty Riddles

Dirty Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. How do they practice safe sex in Ireland?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .They don't have balls to scratch!

07/11: Joke | Newlywed

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."

04/11: Joke | Cheating boyfriend

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You’re next.

03/11: Joke | Bragging rights

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

03/11: Joke | Culture Battle

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

03/11: Joke | Three hicks.

Sensitive Beer

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

03/11: Joke | Vacation time

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
THREE YEARS AGO, YOU SAID TO GO TO HAWAII. I WENT TO HAWAII AND EARLENE GOT PREGNANT.
THEN TWO YEARS AGO, YOU TOLD ME TO GO TO THE BAHAMAS, AND EARLENE GOT PREGNANT AGAIN.
LAST YEAR, YOU SUGGESTED TAHITI AND DARNED IF SHE DIDN'T GET PREGNANT AGAIN!"

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "THIS YEAR SHE'S GOIN' WITH ME!!"

02/11: Joke | New Pet

A guy walks into a bar and sees another guy sitting with a ferret. The guy seems to be stroking it rather lovingly. The first guy asks him, “Why are you stroking that ferret?”

He replies, “Well my friend, the ferret gives the best head in the world.”

“Bullshit, there’s no way a ferret can do that.”

“Go try yourself.”

So the first guy takes the ferret and goes into the bathroom. A few minutes pass and suddenly there’s banging and moaning and screaming coming from the bathroom. The first guy comes out, stroking the ferret lovingly and looks at the second guy. “I will give you $500, no $1000, for this ferret.”

The second guy thinks about it for a little while and then nods. “Alright, a thousand dollars it is.”

The first guy pays the second guy and takes the ferret home. He places it on the table in front of his wife and tells her the story. She looks at him in amazement, “What am I supposed to do with a $1000 ferret?”

“Teach it to cook and get the fuck out!”

01/11: Joke | Kidnapping

A husband returns home from work one night to discover that his wife is missing. He spends the next two days looking for her, only to come home on the second night and find his spouse sitting in the kitchen, eating some pasta.

“You’re alive!” he cries. “Where have you been all this time?”

“These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week,” she replies.

“But you’ve only been gone two days…”

“Yeah, I’m just here to get something to eat.”

01/11: Joke | Boss is dead

A guy phones up his boss' house, but gets the boss' wife instead. He asks to speak to her husband.

"I'm afraid he died earlier today," she says.

The next day, the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you," the wife replies, "he died yesterday."

The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time, the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I've already told you twice that he died. Why do you keep calling?"

"Because," he replies, laughing, "I just love hearing it!"